The Preparation

Two Moves Ahead

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Lately there’s been a bit more talk about the end of the world. Not in a loud, cinematic way. No one is running or yelling. It’s quieter than that. A comment on a podcast here. A headline there. They say AI will bring many great things. And also the end of days. Perhaps the power grid goes down. Maybe the water supply is compromised. Then it spirals. And I have to say, it got my attention.

In fact, I started looking into what a proper survival kit might include. Water. Food. First aid. Shelter. Light. Communication. It’s a solid list, I guess. It will help you survive, I suppose. And yet—is survival enough?

Don’t get me wrong. Survival is great and all. But that’s only thinking one move ahead. What about quality of life?I like to think two moves ahead.

Take water. Hey, it’s essential. But I go a step further. I go beyond. That’s why, for the end of days, I’m bringing electrolytes. Sodium. Potassium. Magnesium. When the time comes, people will have water. They always do. It’s the first thing they grab. They will come to me. For electrolytes.

Same with food. Everyone is stocking up on beans. Canned beans for the short run. Dried beans for the long haul. Again, solid choices. But I focused my efforts on condiments.

Ketchup. Mustard. A smoky barbecue. A Dijon for a little elegance. They have food. I have flavor. Also, remember that condiments can be combined to generate an almost endless number of new condiments.

Some may ask—what about the booze? Oh, people will have booze. From what I can tell, they’re buying booze every single day. I, however, have made a large investment in mixers. Are you going to drink bathtub gin straight? Of course not. It’d kill you. You’re going to come to me for tonic.

Everyone knows a proper survival kit includes first aid. Bandages. Antibiotics. Basic medical supplies. Important, certainly. But I’m going with Tums. Because the apocalypse is going to be uncomfortable enough on its own. It’d be miserable to be gassy or bloated.

They say you need shelter. Experts recommend something enclosed. Secure. Protective. I’ve gone in a different direction. I’ve acquired a large amount of patio furniture. If this thing goes down like I think it’s going to go down, people are going to need a place to sit. To gather. To say, “Well… this is something.”

Lighting is also important. Most kits recommend flashlights. Instead I’ve gone with a couple sets of dance lights—one is red, yellow, and green; the other, a spinning ball shooting color all over the place. They bring a vibe.

Of course, my lights are better with music. A lot of people assume the apocalypse will be very quiet. But this is avoidable with a little planning. That’s why I’ve already created a playlist exclusively for the apocalypse. I didn’t stop there. I figure, end of days means spotty internet. That’s why I’ve taken the necessary step of downloading that playlist.

Still two steps ahead.

When the time comes, there will be people who are ready. They’ll have water. Food. The basics. They’ll survive. And then, eventually, they’ll look around.

That’s where I come in. They bring survival. I bring quality of life.

So when things go sideways—you know, for civilization—come on over. You bring the food, the water, the booze. I’ll handle the rest.

I don’t want to just endure the end of days. I want to host them.