Fowl: (a) Play

She is funny.

Beyond Reason by Rob Perez

Fowl: A Play

The year is 1911. Newark, New Jersey. Plucky’s Playhouse – a toy making factory. Clarence, 40, enters the factory. He sees Arthur, 30, waiting patiently in the center of the room, standing beside a table. Passing many different toys, dolls, and games in various stages of development, Clarence crosses to Arthur and shakes his hand.

Arthur: I’m telling you, Clarence, this is the one.

Clarence: You said that before, Arthur.

A: I got out over my skis. Although, I’ve always wondered why getting out over your skis is bad. I thought your weight was supposed to be out over your skiis.

C: Arthur, I believe I’m here to look at your new toy.

A: More of a… plaything, I think.

C: Strange distinction, but okay. What “thing” are the kids going to play with this year?
A: This one is timeless.

C: I buy for five and dimes all over this nation. I need it to sell this year.

A: This will fly off the shelf.

C: (hopeful) Literally?
A: No.

C: Hmm. Alright, fine. Dazzle me.

Dramatically, Arthur removes the white sheet, unveiling… a rubber chicken lying on her side. Clarence blinks.

C: Is that a, uh… a chicken?

A: It’s a rubber chicken!

C: Umm… okay. I’ve come a long way. I’ll keep an open mind here. Who’s the rubber chicken for?

A: Age group? Good question. (thinks) All ages.

C: All ages?!

A: Well, you have to be old enough to know what a chicken is.

C: Hmm.

Clarence picks up the rubber chicken. He looks her over. He tries to put the rubber chicken upright. She falls down.

C: Does she stand?

Arthur shakes his head. Clarence squeezes the chicken. She emits no sound.

C: Does she bawk?

A: She makes no noise.

Clarence tries to make the chicken “walk” by moving its legs.

C: Does she move?

Arthur shakes his head. Clarence pulls the rubber chicken from both ends.

C: Does she stretch?

Arthur shakes his head. Clarence turns the rubber chicken sideways and size up her figure.

C: She’s not even plump?!

A: No. My rubber chicken is lanky.

C: Lanky?! Are you crazy!

A: Crazy like a rubber fox.

C: Your rubber chicken doesn’t stand, makes no sound, can’t walk, doesn’t stretch, and she’s not even plump?! What’s good about your rubber chicken?!

A: She is funny.

C: What’s funny about a rubber chicken?!

Arthur takes rubber chicken from Clarence and looks it over. He smiles, then laughs.

A: Everything.

C: Okay. What, pray tell, do you think the children are going to do with this rubber chicken?

A: All kinds of things. For example… they’ll play catch with the rubber chicken.

C: Why wouldn’t they play catch with, um, I dunno, a ball?
A: Look, the ball is the thing to throw and catch. But a thing you can throw and catch that’s funny… that’s a rubber chicken.

C: What else?

A: If the children are ice skating, maybe they’ve got hockey sticks, they will pass the rubber chicken around the ice.

C: You’re thinking of a puck.

A: A rubber chicken is funnier than a puck. Look, Clarence. It’s hard to overstate this: Children are going to do everything with the rubber chicken. A small child might carry the rubber chicken around the house, reading to her, playing house with her, eating with her, putting her to bed.

C: You do realize Raggedy Ann is our best performing doll in history?

A: The rubber chicken will evoke song.

C: Song?

A: The children will sing will sing to the rubber chicken. And when they tire of that… the children will sing into the rubber chicken.

C: Into the chicken? Oh, I get it. Like a microphone.

A: The children will add rubber bands to the rubber chicken and play her like a guitar.

C: Are you feeling alright?

A: I’ve never been more certain of anything in my entire life. Mark my words, in one hundred years, no one will play with Raggedy Ann. But the children will still play with rubber chicken.

Clarence takes the rubber chicken and looks it over.

C: It’s 1911, Arthur. The kids want something modern. Like a crayon. Is your rubber chicken… modern?

A: Certainly not.

C: I’m very sorry, Arthur. I don’t think this is for us.

A: They wholesale for three cents a unit, retail for a quarter.

C: (thinks) I’ll take five thousand units.

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Coda: This 2022 holiday season, my two children, who are four and ten, received dozens of gifts from immediate family, friends, and Santa. The most popular, played-with, fought over gift by a country mile was the rubber chicken. The children played every single game – and then some – with her that Arthur predicted.