Olympic Torchbearer #3,799,999 jogs, comfortably, proudly carrying The Olympic Torch. She approaches Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000, who comes to a stop, exchanges pleasantries, an awkward hug, and passes The Torch to Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000. He sets off at a leisurely pace, holding The Olympic Torch in his right hand.
Holding a notebook and pen, ROB PEREZ jogs up on the Olympic Torch side of the Torchbearer.
ROB PEREZ: Hi there!
Startled, Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000 jumps, almost dropping the Olympic Torch, confused.
OLYMPIC TORCHBEARER#3,800,000: I can’t do an interview now!
OLYMPIC TORCH: Let’s talk.
Again, Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000 jumps, almost dropping the Olympic Torch, yet continues, even more confused.
RP: You’re an Olympic Torch!
OT: I am.
RPL What’s it like?
OT: Being in the Olympics is a dream. But every dream needs a little luck.
RP: Like living in a country that’s willing to slip the Olympic committee enough untraceable cash so they can host?
OT: Exactly!
RP: But you didn’t start your life as an Olympic Torch?
OT: My journey has humble beginnings. I started out in illumination.
RP: No shame in lighting the way. What came next?
OT: A bit of fire starting. A little ritual work.
RP: Are torches pretty standard at a ritual?
OT: Torches take a ritual to the next level.
RP: I’ll have to remember that at my next ritual.
OT: Please do. Anyway, next, well, there was a darker period. I got into mob justice.
RP: Mob justice, um, like, running people out of town?
OT: I was with a pitchfork.
RP: I see. I guess I always thought torches and pitchforks were more of a symbolic thing?
OT: I did, too!!! But, alongside the pitchfork, I used to literally run people out of town.
RP: As long as we’re on the topic, is the pitchfork really an effective weapon?
OT: I will only say that if you think running with scissors is bad, don’t try it with a pitchfork.
RP: Interesting point.
Olympic Torch Bearer#3,800,000: Can I say something now?
RP: That won’t be necessary. (to OT) Now you’re an Olympic Torch. Favorite and least favorite parts of the job?
OT: Favorite has to be the travel, seeing the world and all that. Least favorite… three and a half years in the closet. That’s not that great.
RP: Sounds dark and lonely.
OT: It’s not dark.
RP: Oh, yes. Of course. Going back. Any favorite torchbearers?
OT: I’ve passed through many hands. Athletes, mainly. Some community leaders. A handful of randos.
RP: Like this guy?
OT: Exactly!
RP and OT laugh.
OT#3,800,000: You know I can hear you?
RP: Please don’t interrupt. (to OT) You were saying?
OT: But my all-time favorite type of torchbearer has to be the celebrity.
RP: What do you like about celebrities?
OT: I like celebrities because they’re famous.
Olympic Torchbearer#3,800,000: I’m pretty famous in fencing.
RP: Still not your interview. (to OT) Please go on.
OT: Some athletes are famous but all celebrities are famous.
RP: (scribbles notes) Fair point. Finally - any long-term plans?
OT: Well, I’m getting older. One day I’d like to settle down, try life as an eternal flame.
Still sort-of, barely jogging forward, Rob sees a Torch Handover ahead.
RP: Wait? That’s it?
OT: This is where our journey ends
RP: That journey was only a minute long?! And the only reason it lasted that long is this guy is milking it.
OT#3,800,000: This is a ceremonial pace!
RP: Would you please be quiet? (to OT) Final thoughts?
OT: (muses thoughtfully) The end of one journey is the beginning of another.
RP: Is that supposed to be profound?
OT: Yes. Yes, it is.
Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000 approaches Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,001. They stop, briefly, exchange an awkward hug, then Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000 passes the Olympic Torch. Rob and Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000 watch Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,001 jog very slowly off with The Olympic Torch into the horizon.
Olympic Torchbearer #3,800,000: The torch can talk?
RP: Still not your interview.
Rob Perez walks away.